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Monday, 22 January 2018

Am I bisexual?


I don't talk about this much, but it's a question I've been asking myself since I was about twelve. I know I 100% like guys, but I've always wondered if I like girls as well, or at least are sexually attracted to them.

I've never had sex with a girl, or made out with a girl, so I guess I won't really know until I do that some day (if I ever). The closest I've come is when I was 12/13 being with a bunch of my female friends and us kissing each other on the lips for fun. Wait no; I did get told to snog my housemate back in the summer when we were all going out and playing some drinking game (only I wasn't drinking). I remember telling my boyfriend at the time and he was like 'go on...' XD

Anyway. I think girls are beautiful. I think guys are beautiful too, but I've always found women to be the more aesthetically pleasing gender. I look at stunning women and think 'wow.' Like, I've started watching Mad Men, and Christina Hendricks - man, those curves. Her body is amazing; that hourglass figure and the way it hugs her outfits. And her red lips and gorgeous ginger hair (I like red hair on women; dyed and natural).

I've looked at girls before and imagined kissing them and feeling them up. The female body is soft and sensual, in a way that the male body isn't. I think breasts are lovely. Probably not in the same way that straight men or lesbian women do. I just think they're sexy and soft and womanly. In P.E I used to sometimes look at the other girls' bodies; the beautiful ones. I can't tell if this is all just admiration, or perhaps wistfully wishing I had another girl's body part, or if it's semi-sexually related.

I can't imagine going down on a woman, but then I guess until you've given head for the first time you don't think you're going to like it or know what you're doing. You just do it and get into it and enjoy it (well I do anyway. God I'm such a freak....hahehe). I guess it really is one of those things where you don't know until you've done it.

Have I ever fancied a girl? Nope. That's another thing. I've fancied many guys, I've had boyfriends, I've had male sexual partners. Can't say the same for girls, so maybe this is all in my head? However, equally, it's something I've never really been 'out' with. Like when I was sixteen in counselling I discussed the possibility of liking girls, and I've joked about it a lot or talked about it with friends. I've tried to make myself fancy girls, but I feel like with girls it's more of a physical attraction.

With guys I can feel physically attracted to them, or both physically and romantically attracted, but with girls...hm. I've tried to imagine myself many times with a girlfriend. I know roughly what my type would be - I don't mean this in a racist way at all but I prefer white girls (could be because I've always had mainly white female friends), not that black or asian women aren't beautiful, I just don't feel the same attraction to them. It's a weird one; I like guys of all ethnicities, but with women its specifically white women. And slim, or with some curves, but not 'big.' Long lustrous hair, mainly brunette. Laura Prepon, Emilia Clarke, Megan Fox, Angelina Jolie - that type, I guess. I think Beyonce and Aishwarya Rai and Megan Goode are stunning, but for some reason the attraction level isn't the same.

I don't know. This is probably all in my head. One day I'll probably find a lovely gorgeous white brunette woman with brown eyes and red lips; we'll hook up and then I'll know for sure. Do you ever wonder about your sexuality? Although one can only be a man or a woman (and that's a fact), I do think sexuality is a bit more fluid. Not in the sense that we can 'decide' it, but that you could be heterosexual and then fall in love with your best friend of the same sex as you. In that context it's about the person, not their gender. 

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