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Sunday, 30 July 2017

I nearly wanted to off myself...

Contains potentially upsetting content.

It's been a while since thoughts of taking the 'easy way out' have come to me. About two hours ago I came close to attempting to off myself. (Note: I used the word attempting). Over an argument. An argument that happened a week ago. To many that may sound absurd. Heck, even I think its absurd. But depression is not rational.

I was fine. Eating rice and beans instead of pasta, and watching The Sopranos on my laptop. Then the thoughts crept in. I never know where they come from. I've been getting better at telling them to go away, but this wasn't one of those time. When the dark thoughts get you, you feel like you're drowning. The walls start to close in. Paranoia and angst set in. Suddenly there's no way out, and you start clinging to yourself, trying to make them go away.

I messaged a friend. I messaged this particular friend because I was starting to think I needed to cling onto my friends. My thoughts were friends leave you. People abandon you. See, this guy I had the argument with? He was like a brother to me. We'd never have a fight, especially not like this. It came almost out of nowhere, and hit me hard. This was like the sequel to that, the aftermath of emotion.

People attempt suicide or self-harm or abuse substances because it takes away the pain. When we are hurting, we don't want to face the pain. We don't want to sit with it. It hurts too much. So we use something else to cope.

I didn't self harm. I have this lovely boyfriend I've been seeing for a short while, and I know it upsets him. Not everyone understands mental illness. Not everyone knows how to handle it or what to say.

I messaged a friend and he didn't know what to say. I was trying to cling because another one bites the dust was playing through my emotions. I have abandonment issues. I get scared that people will leave me. I try to run after people and cling onto them because I don't want to be alone
(alone in the playground)

I was scared. I was scared to leave my house in case I did something bad. I was sitting on my bed, clinging to my duvet. When it sets in its scary. I thought can I just lie here for a few hours and feel sorry for myself and think about how fleeting and fake friendship is and how the only people you can depend on are your family and your aa sponsor?

I decided I would take a walk. Man, have I told myself that lie. Just a little walk. I'd pass by the newsagents on my way. Get a bottle of wine. Head to the river by the Odeon. I wasn't sure if I'd jump off the bridge or go in from the riverbank. I'd do whatever my drunken head told me to do.

But my sober head was shouting louder, and it told me to stop. I was barely a few houses down when I leaned against a wall and cried. In the past I'd have kept going. I wouldn't have stopped to think. The need to run away from myself would have been too desperate and strong. But I stopped, and turned around and went to my sponsor's house. She lives down the road from me. I went to hers and I was crying and in my pyjamas and hadn't showered since yesterday and have been sleeping most of today. I talked to her and she was there for me with additional tools from the programme and I felt better. I am better; I'm sitting here, alive and well and sober, tapping on my laptop and waiting for my spaghetti to cook.

Suicide is a selfish thing. It's selfish and impulsive. Lots of people do it because they think no one is there for them. I was thinking to myself what does it matter? My 'friends' will forget about me in two weeks. My boyfriend will find someone else. It's not like I'm that important to them. 

Truth is, there is always someone out there who loves you and who does understand. I'm lucky because I have my sponsor and the Fellowship. People off themselves because they feel hopeless. They think no one understands them, that they're all alone, that their future is bleak and empty.

But there are always options. Part of me can't believe what happened. I was expecting myself to be wet and cold and dirty and drunk, in the car of some mental health officer, who would either take me home or take me to some hospital. My housemates would be freaking out and my boyfriend would be freaking out and someone would have to call my parents who would be freaking out. My mum would have been heartbroken like she was when she heard I went 'swimming' back in York, a year and a half ago.

So many people give in to the dark thoughts. They give in because they don't realise they're fleeting, and they lie. They will tell you no one loves you, that you're worthless and a piece of shit, and should never have been born. It's like having schizophrenia, except the voices are internal rather than external.

You have a choice. You can turn around. I believe that even if you've lost everything, they'll still be someone out there that wants to help you. There are always options.

Samaritans Hotline UK: 116 123


  1. If you're ever looking for some "tough love" and/or an objective opinion (or a more private conversation), you can always shoot me an email at Just throwing that option out there for you, in case you ever think it'll help. :)


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