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Wednesday, 16 August 2017

'God save the Queen' sucks

Ah, the Brits. Standing at the front of the podium, hands on their chests. Large smiles, eyes shining with pride. They collect their medals, open their mouths and begin to sing.
“God save the queeeeen...”
Damn, what are the rest of the lyrics? They look among each other, trying not to show that none of them know the song. All of the other athletes from other countries knew their parts. So why don’t we know our own song?

I’ll tell you why. They don’t know the song because the song sucks. The song is outdated. It is a representation of the British Monarchy and little else. It sings of Empire and the church and royalty, things that are all outdated now. Britain is practically secular; the church has little-to-no say in what the laws of the land are. It is also a democracy; the era of feudal rule has gone. The monarchy is now no more than a symbol, with no real power. In fact, there is a whole movement (Republicans – not the Trumpian kind) who want the monarchy to be removed. I’m not sure where I stand on that, but that’s another topic.

‘God save the Queen’ has always been a cringey, lame song to me. Most Brits don’t give a shit about the Queen, and many don’t give a shit about God either. Even the ones that do don’t feel the need to praise the Queen on a national level. And why should they? The royals don’t pay tax, and are really just there, wandering around in their weird hats and clothes. I know a lot of Americans are dumb enough to think all British people are still stuck in 1864 and wear top hats and talk like Prince Charles, but I hate to break the fantasy. No, real life Britain is not like Harry Potter. People don’t wear robes and call their teachers ‘Professor’. We don’t even call our lecturers professors. First name bases work.

I think foreigners are crazier about British feudalism and imperialism than actual Brits are. It’s like the stereotype of Australians all saying ‘g’day mate’ or all Swedish women being blonde and beautiful or black men all having big cocks. Just a beautiful fantasy which the intellectually challenged thrive on.

The British national anthem is a stupid song about war and bloodshed over a piece of land for a non-existent man in the sky. Melodically it’s awful; it only covers about five notes. It’s as if someone wrote the melody then wrote ‘repeat eighty times’ and called it a hit. I don’t think that song is gonna make the charts. It probably made the Beatles cry and die of boredom. Not to mention it has no rhythm, but then we all know white people can’t dance. I hope someone re-writes our national anthem soon, although the Queen might go ‘off with their head!’ in order to preserve British glory. Sigh. I guess we’re stuck with it then. For now...

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