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Wednesday, 4 October 2017

Anger Problems & The Day I Got Arrested


This post is in two parts and will be fairly long. 
Do you think that if you could have everything you wanted you would be happy? The things I want most in life are fame, lots of money, a nice big house, cars, a gorgeous partner, cute children, cats; award-winning novels and albums. But if I wasn't happy inside and I was to achieve all these things, they would become meaningless.

Part 1: ego

There's a saying: do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Often I want to be right. My arrogance, ego and self-centeredness take over. This is what makes me angry and this is what makes me get panic attacks. My body stores tension and anger gathered through the years, and a situation that may subconsciously remind me of something can cause me to get a panic attack. Breath quickens, body tenses up; I collapse.
Credits to Beyonce. 

For me, anger comes from a need to be right. I'm an intelligent person, and intelligent people can be very arrogant, even without meaning to. We think we 'know it all.' It doesn't take much to get me pissed off. I have to be careful online; anything I write can be seen by anyone and will stay here forever, even if I delete it. There probably are things I wish I hadn't posted online, and our perceptions and outlooks on life change all the time. I may not think about something today the way I thought about it yesterday.

For instance; I've written posts about slut-shaming, because it makes me angry the way some still create a double standard for men and women. It's ok for men to have lots of casual sex, but not ok for women. We're supposed to be 'pure' and 'good' (even though sex has fuck all to do with morality unless you're a serial rapist) and 'hold back.' I know lots of people nowadays disagree with that and there is a lot of anti-slut shaming stuff online. But at its core, it's not the content that makes me mad, it's the fact that I think I'm right, and if you disagree you're wrong, and my ego is hurt.

Or another instance on the topic of gender; why do some women expect men to buy them the world yet barely lift a finger? I don't understand why some girls want a guy who is super rich and six foot tall and then yells and him and emasculates him. I believe in fairness; sure it's nice if a guy offers to pay once in a while, but generally, I want to be treated as an equal. (Unless you're really poor and dating a guy who has more money than you; then it's just a question of practicality). And why should men be expected to pay for everything and do all the work? Why do they have to bend over backwards for girls all the time? Why can't the woman pay or decide where to go?

Again, this is just me projecting my world view and what I think is right and getting pissed off when others disagree. It's a question of ego. I don't need to be right. Sometimes people disagree, and the best way to end things is diplomacy. Stepping down makes you strong, not weak. It means you're being the bigger person and putting your own well-being above some debate or argument. Sometimes we need to step back and LET THINGS GO!!!

Part 2: police run-in

I've always had anger issues. Here is a list of some episodes, including the most serious one which I will get to in a sec:

Standard moody 17 year old.
  • aged five; slapped a boy for saying the word 'nigger' because in my head it was a bad word and I didn't realise he was saying it jokingly and I knew nothing about context (and he was black too)
  • aged nine; yelled at some girl for laughing at me in an after-school dance class
  • aged twelve; poured glue over a boy's head in my art class
  • aged thirteen; threw a chair across my classroom in drama
  • aged fourteen; stabbed my friend in the eye with lipgloss
  • aged eighteen; yelled at my cousin in the street in Rome and stormed off to get drunk
  • aged eighteen; threw my dad's drum across the room and broke it
  • aged nineteen; smashed up a bunch of glass bottles in the street and got arrested

I know, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. When I came to Guildford a year ago to start at ACM, I had a heap of troubles to deal with; anger, depression, anxiety and alcoholism. I had just started going to AA meetings and was four days sober and frustrated. Instead of drinking from bottles, I had started smashing them up that week instead and got a great rush from it. That Thursday I was all set and ready to start my lectures and have a great day. Then in class things started annoying me. As usual, it was back to ego and me wanting to be right. I was angry because some people were talking and I was trying to FUCKING LISTEN. I told them to shut up, and then for some reason (probably anxiety-related) started vaping. I didn't realise we weren't allowed to vape in class, and I may have heard (or thought I heard) everyone going 'she's vaping!' 

Then I got self-conscious and stormed out of class with my bag, went outside the building and smacked it against the wall. I looked inside and saw my precious vape was broken, along with my phone screen. Then I began a rampage; I walked across the street, smashing whatever piece of glass I could find. There's a bunch of restaurants at the bottom of the high street in Guildford; I picked up a glass cup and tossed it across the street. It could have hit a young couple sitting on a table outside who looked up in total shock. Then I walked to a newsagents, spent twelve pounds on two bottles of wine, and planned to smash one and drink the other. I ended up smashing them both and drinking neither. Then I got the great idea of walking back over to where these recycling bins were, taking out a bunch of glass bottles from one, somehow managing to overturn the entire bin (I'm short and weak so this shows the power of anger) and one by one started relentlessly smashing them on the pavement.

I think it's the craziest thing I've ever done, in a dangerous, law-breaking context. When I enter that state of anger, I'm not quite myself. Something takes over. It's like when I have panic attacks. The normal, functioning Zarina slips away and is replaced by some other emotional state that's buried within my subconscious. Freud said that our sexual and aggressive instincts become repressed deep with our unconscious, and that our dreams usually reflect this. For me that is definitely the case, more so with aggression. I've been repressing my aggressive instincts most of my life because if I release them I WILL get into serious trouble and hurt people. And I do actually care deeply about others; when I 'snap' out of that state, I think 'what the hell have I done? 

Stuff like that does make me question my sanity, surprise surprise. Anyway after maybe twenty minutes of smashing and people watching in horror, the police came. They put me in handcuffs; I had this moody (yet itching to smirk/laugh) expression on my face, and I was put in the police car. They asked me a bunch of questions. That's my only (and hopefully only ever) bad run in with the police, and British police are extremely nice from that experience. Being a woman probably helped, as well as me saying I had just started AA and was four days sober. "She's probably frustrated," I heard them murmur. Of course I was. I sat there like a moody, selfish bitch and asked for a cigarette (since my vape had broken; I'm not a regular smoker but it was something I dabbled in for several months when I was trying to quit drinking). 

It was a hot day, and I was wearing shorts, a vest top and sandals. There was a bit of glass in my foot, so they ended up taking me to A&E. My other options were custody or a psychiatric unit, so I guess I got lucky.

By the time I was in A&E with a nurse, she was kindly chatting to me and I had mostly calmed down. She said I seemed like a sensible girl (I mostly am, I promise) and that 'if one little pill is going to help you achieve your goals of music, there's no harm in taking it.'(Along those lines). In other words, I was offered a psychiatric assessment - I didn't take it until a few weeks later, when I was getting pains all over my body and kept throwing things around and shaking and self-harming and screaming in the night. (Shortly after that I went on antidepressants which also help with anger; combined with AA I've become a lot calmer in the past year). 

You could say I technically wasn't arrested as I wasn't taken to custody, though I guess if it wasn't for needing to go to A&E it's unlikely they'd have just let me get along with my day. He read my out my 'rights' (to remain silent) and charged me with a £60 litter fine. What irony; I do something that stupid and selfish and get let off with a slap on the wrist. I was mostly just pissed off about breaking my vape and phone screen and how much it would cost me to repair my phone and get a new vape. I asked him if he could just give me community service of picking up glass rather than paying a bunch of money but that's not how the law works. Later on I went home, and then went to my last two lectures like nothing had happened. Just a normal day; been acting like a maniac, having a lovely chat with the police, and finally a trip to A&E.

The strangest thing is that to a lot of people the above sounds humorous (and it is sort of written in a humorous style), but if I heard someone else did all those things I would just be appalled and shocked and not find it funny at all. 

3 comments:

  1. i used to have pretty bad anger issues myself slammed my brothers torso in a refridgerator because he closed it instead of holding it open but i did undergo counseling and get it fixed, we all got our problems

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    1. Absolutely. I think it runs in my family a bit; my brother has mellowed out now but when he was younger he could be very hot-headed. My dad said he was the same as a young man; had a very hot-temper. Even my mum could be quick to anger at times.

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