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Wednesday, 18 October 2017

Sexual Frustration & Relationships

The content below is not intended to be pornographic, sexually suggestive or arousing. Is for informative purposes only.

Sexual frustration is horrible and it happens to all of us. There are various ‘scenarios’ in which it can happen; you can be single or you can be in a relationship and feel sexually frustrated.

About a year before I lost my virginity I felt constantly sexually frustrated. I was so ‘desperate’ to have sex yet I badly wanted to do it with a partner rather than somebody random. I hated being a virgin, although I don't like describing people by their sex life. All a 'virgin' is is someone who hasn't yet has sex, or in broader terms hasn't yet done a certain thing. There are plenty of things I'm a 'virgin' to; haven't been to America, haven't yet gotten tattoos, haven't dyed my hair purple, haven't had a kid...

Relationships are a lottery; you can’t ‘control’ what someone else feels about you or when you’ll be with someone. You can go on a date with someone with high hopes and walk away feeling irritated by them. Naturally I now feel comfortable having sex with people I'm not in a relationship with, but at 15/16 when I began wanting to have sex there was all that typical teen-girl fear around it. You know; fear of pain, fear of 'losing' something, and most of all fear of intimacy. I could have had sex around that age, and sometimes now I wonder if I should have which I know is an unusual thing to think. At 16 I didn't plan to get to 20 and have not had a long-term relationship ('long term' to me being 6 months< ). Imagine if I was still waiting waiting waiting; I'd probably still be a sexually frustrated virgin. (I've had two relationships since I was 18, one terrible and one amazing, but both only lasted a few months).

Sexual frustration can manifest in different ways for everyone. You can be in a relationship with someone who isn’t sexually pleasuring you. Maybe your partner is still a virgin and you’re not and don’t want to ‘force’ them but can’t fight your urges. This was sort of the case with my first boyfriend; I was planning to have sex with him but he kept pushing me to do it 'straight away' and we hardly ever went out so I got worried he was only with me for sex. (He denied it; he was a pretty unhealthy guy with a poor history of treating girls so I have no real way of knowing). There’s a stereotype about married couples forgetting to have sex or having a lot less sex than they used to, particularly when they have children. If you’re still a virgin yet badly want sex but haven’t yet found the ‘opportunity’ or emotionally are fearful, this can fuel a lot of frustration.

Having sex for the first time is like the first time you do anything; a big step emotionally as well as physically. Some people are happy to ‘get it out the way’; others want it to be with someone they care for to make the occasion more meaningful. Taking your clothes off in front of someone and getting inside their body is a big step for any human. Once you’ve done it it becomes less ‘nerve-racking’ (and more fun and awesome) but of course initially there will always be nerves. For guys: what if I’m bad? How long will I last? What if she doesn’t like it? For girls: will it hurt? (Yes; there’s no way around that, although how nervous vs how 'turned on' you are makes a difference.) Will it feel good? (The first time is not usually great; can even feel anti-climatic). Will I ‘lose’ something? (No, you lose NOTHING. You GAIN a whole new side to yourself and your human experience. Never let anyone shame you for having sex! But please, remember to use protection and/or birth control!)
There are ways around sexual frustration. Naturally, the most obvious one is to masturbate. You can do this whenever and however much you like. There’s also porn – but remember, DON’T let porn and masturbation become a ‘substitute’ for living life or meeting others of the opposite/same sex. There's also hooking up; I know we're described as living in a 'hook up' culture now. Hooking up is fun and nice if you don't want emotional attachment/commitment, but remember to do it because you want to get laid, not to fill some emotional 'void.' But naturally not everyone feels comfortable with casual sex; the idea of it can feel unnerving if you're not used to it, and lots of people (myself included) prefer sex with a healthy partner as you get the emotional as well as the physical gratification.
Oh dear.
Meditating calms down the nervous system, and makes you feel more relaxed within yourself. Self-love in general will make you feel more at peace and lead to attracting a partner. Gaining sexual confidence helps; looking at yourself naked in the mirror and feeling happy with what you see. (It may sound silly, but this stuff all boosts your self esteem so will help you feel more comfortable in your sexuality). There’s so much pressure for guys and girls to look a certain way. Guys can feel like they need to be ripped or have a ten inch dick and broad shoulders and a v line and a shaven chest. Honestly, coming from personal experience, if a girl adores you she will think your body is beautiful because it’s yours. She won’t care if you look like a Calvin Klein model or not. Same goes for girls; we all want bigger tits and a rounder arse and a flatter stomach, and there’s those bits of hair that we KEEP missing when we shave. When a guy likes you and wants you, he won’t notice all those ‘details’ you think suck about you.

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