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Wednesday, 27 December 2017

The main reason I hated school

So I was in school from the age of five till eighteen, and after that a brief stint at York Uni, and now am in my last term at The Academy of Contemporary Music. (Bit of repetition, but this is just for readers who may be unfamiliar with my posts). When I say 'school' I'm referring to primary, secondary and sixth form. What did I hate about it? What is it about school that I so associate with feelings of misery and isolation?

The main reason is other children and teenagers. They laugh and take the piss out of each other. They put each other down. Recently I've been having recurring dreams about my primary school. I was bullied throughout primary school, and it served as a poor basis for friendship. It's only within the last year that I've really begun to realise how friends should treat each other. Friends aren't supposed to make each other feel uncomfortable, put each other down or constantly laugh at each other. A few little jokes are fine, but when it's constant and cruel, something isn't right.

As a child and young teen, friendship was all about fear for me. I felt fearful around my friends; I desperately wanted to please them and wanted their attention and approval. I have a memory of being in Year 7, aged 11, of sitting with a group of girls in my class, and feeling seriously angry. The girl opposite me thought I was mad at her, but I was so terrified of admitting that for fear she would snap at me. So I told her I was looking at the 'girl behind her.' There was no one there. It was a made up character in my head. I told my friends this 'invisible' girl that only I could see was laughing and making fun of me. I don't think I've ever told anyone that story; I seldom remember it. Later that day people forgot really; I think they all started to humour me.

Because school is supposed to be a place where you form social connections with others, when those connections are 'crooked' it can fuck up your perception of people. My overall perception of those I went to school with is not positive. I don't 'hate' or even dislike any of them, but I cared for very few and feel the feelings were mutual. The sad irony of this is that at the end of secondary school we were all given yearbooks, and my messages were nothing but positive. Everyone was giving me kudos for my music and YouTube videos and saying how smart I was and how successful I would be and that I was really talented. But I feel like most of those people didn't really know me. They thought I was a weirdo, or crazy, or strange. I was this short, smart, musical girl who could badly lose her temper. I expect several of them thought I was arrogant or up myself due to my intellect (maybe I am a bit, but at least I admit it). I don't know if many of them truly liked or cared for me.

And maybe that's how it is for a lot of us in school. I don't doubt there are people I went to school with who read my blog posts. Maybe when they were in school, they felt the same; isolated, distant, and like they couldn't really be themselves. I think it's hard at a time when you're shoved in this giant building with all these kids of different emotional and intellectual capabilities. I constantly saw kids treating each other like crap. Calling each other 'buterz' or a 'hoe' or 'gay' in a derogatory manner, or calling each other 'wastemans' or 'bitch' or 'fuckboy' or 'dickhead.' 'No one likes him', 'no one likes her', 'she/he is the most hated person in the school.' It's phenomenal.

Do the teachers even realise? As much as I had an antagonistic relationships with my fellow peers, I always got along with teachers and have no bad things to say about my school teachers as I adored most of them and vice versa. But I wonder if they realise just how nasty their students could be to one another. I could never be a teacher because being in that environment surrounded by hostile hormones would break me emotionally and take me back to a time of internal crying angst.

Additional posts about school:

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