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Tuesday, 5 December 2017

Will I end up alone?


What an awfully cringey title. I'm not even going to share this post much. It's especially sad considering the post I posted earlier was all rational and well-written about socio-economics and the concept of 'privilege.' But I'm allowed to post what I want here, and you lovely people have the choice whether to read them or not. I try to make any 'personal' posts relevant to some kind of wider topic, and never name people described.

I am an addict, which I've mentioned in many of my posts. I'm recovering from alcohol, but I also have other addictions. One of those addictions is guys. It's something I never was fully aware of until I met a great friend of mine in recovery who also has a similar 'problem.' How does one be 'addicted to guys'?

Since I was little I've always had some of kind of crush, felt like I've needed male attention, been unable to go to a party without getting with a guy, and always obsessed over having a boyfriend. I've never been one of those girls that shrugs her shoulders and isn't bothered about boys; I'm the complete opposite. I can't tell you how many crushes I've had in my life but the number is embarrassingly high; a friend of mine even contemplatively said to me 'have you never not fancied anyone?'
A relevant post: Validation Seeking http://www.thezarinamachablog.co.uk/2017/04/validation-seeking.html

Because of this neurosis (and at times desperation) around guys, I've always worried about ending up alone. At 13, at 16, at 18, and now at 20. And this is the problem: I'm very young. I feel like I'm far too young to worry about 'dying alone.' I've got so many years to meet a guy. The irony is, if I were to meet 'the one' now, there is no way I'd be thinking about 'settling down' (and if I was I'd get as many people as possible to talk me out of it). I know a hundred years ago or so people got married young. I personally think getting married young is (generally) not a good idea because marriage is very serious and most people prior to the age of 25-30 should be working through themselves and trying to figure themselves out before they take on the huge responsibility of becoming so involved with another person. Marriage is just a 'piece of paper', but at the same time it isn't, it signifies commitment and responsibilities and takes a lot of work. It's about building and sharing a life together and working as a team. And one major thing: the rate of divorce in this country (UK) is very high. 
Relevant post: Is Marriage a weird idea? http://www.thezarinamachablog.co.uk/2017/09/is-marriage-weird-idea.html

A hundred years ago people couldn't get divorced, so they were stuck in unhappy loveless marriages whether they wanted to be or not. (I'm sure not all of their marriages were awful, but if they were they wouldn't have been able to leave and the men would have gone off having affairs and the women would have been getting drunk at home. Yes, that was semi-sarcastic). People that get married young have a higher chance of getting divorced. A 20 year old isn't secure and solid with themselves in the same way as a 30 year old. (GENERALLY; I'm sure there are plenty of mature people my age.)

So yeah, why am I worrying about something that probably won't concern me for another ten years? If I get to 32 and I'm still alone, maybe then is time to worry. But why am I so worried now? I'm a nice person; I'm attractive, intelligent, talented, I have a good sense of humour, I don't put guys down or mistreat them, I'm not the 'demanding' type that expects a guy to be 6ft3 and pay for everything, I'm not hugely overweight. I'm not an awful person. I have stuff going for myself, like friends and family who love and care for me, and goals and dreams. I've always been very ambitious; why can't I just live my life and focus on my goals and stop worrying about whether I'll meet a guy or not?
Blurgh, I ask myself this everyday. (Substitute 'four'
for 'one').
Why indeed. I just feel like I've always had rotten luck. I've had guys I fancy reject me; the first guy I had a crush on in primary school was a mean bossy popular kid who made fun of me. I've had 6 boyfriends in my life; two 18+ that I class as significant (if people ask I just say I've been in two serious relationships, one awful and one amazing), and the other four aged 12-16 that were meh. (One lasted a week. I broke up with all of them except the most recent one). Two guys I've been good friends with in my life who I thought might like me back both said they didn't see me like that.  Aged 17-18 I wanted to wait for a nice boyfriend to 'lose' my virginity to rather than just do it with some random dude. (I became miserable and sexually frustrated in the process; obsessing over being single). I had it all planned out; I'd meet this great guy and we'd be together for years. I met a shit guy and we were together for a couple months. Then finally, back in May, I meet a great guy on Tinder, and he breaks up with me. And the sad thing was, I didn't even do anything wrong, he even still had feelings for me. I won't go into details but it was based around us being very different. That was early September, and I'm no closer to being over him now than I was then.

I feel like I've become Samantha Jones now. 'Enjoy men, but don't expect them to fill you up.' I do enjoy men, believe me, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life having fling after fling and never having an actual boyfriend/husband. But maybe that will happen to me? Maybe I should just be content with that. I can be a person with a great sex life, but a shit 'romantic' life. I guess it's better than being in a sexless marriage.

Right? This is ridiculous isn't it. I'm sure I'll get comments saying 'don't worry, you won't end up alone, you're so young, whole life ahead of you.' Boo-hoo. This is what watching too much Sex and the City does to you.
Very true words.

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