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Friday, 26 January 2018

Has #metoo turned into a witch hunt?

The #metoo movement started out as women speaking out against rape, harassment, coercion and sexual misconduct. I have a whole blog post talking about a horrible sexual experience happening to me (without naming the person involved). This was due to the case Harvey Weinstein pushing women into sexual acts so he could give them work, which is obviously not ok. However, now it seems everyday there's a news story of a man being accused of sexual assault. Where's the line between truth and fabrication? Is this now a Hollywood witch hunt?

Here's an unpopular opinion: not all men are rapists. In fact, most men aren't. Even on hook-ups and one night stands (this is just from personal experience), men are not typically forceful or nasty or cold. When it comes to sex, unless you're dealing with a cunt who has no regard for your feelings, most guys want the other person to enjoy it too, otherwise it's not fun for them. Guys love it when a girl is into it; it builds up their ego and makes them feel good in bed. 

Why do I bring this up? Because rape and assault is one-sided, and is about power and control not sex. When someone rapes, assaults or molests another person, they're only thinking about themselves and their sick pleasure. Most guys don't think this way because as mentioned, guys want the other party to feel comfortable and enjoy it. If women understand this, then it could help to differentiate between a rapist and a normal guy.

So when it comes to false rape accusations, chances are the woman felt uncomfortable and regretted something, or is just a manipulative attention-seeker wanting to ruin someone's life. Obviously not all accusations of rape or assault are lies, but in a lot of cases these have been exaggerated. A man slapping a woman on the arse or patting her thigh is not rape. It's really sad that I have to say that, but it's not. It's not assault. The word is flirtation. You know what you can do if it makes you feel uncomfortable? Slap the guy, tell him to fuck off, or walk away. There is no need to make something like that bigger than it is. (And if you actually do like it, good for you).

How is it helpful for women to get pissy every time a man flirts with them? We also have to remember that it's not always one-way traffic. Of course they are times when a guy flirts with a girl and she's blatantly uninterested; there have been times where I as a female have flirted with guys who are blatantly uninterested. The sensible thing for either party to do is walk away. But there are women who will be giving off signs, and believe me we know when we're doing it. We know when we're being flirty and seductive, especially if you're a flirty person by nature. 

Here's a tip: if you are not planning to sleep with a guy, DO NOT go back to his house. Obviously there are exceptions, like if he's just a mate, he's gay, or you're related, or have already been in a relationship for a while. I mean that if you have just met a guy, or you've been dating for like a week and aren't thinking about sleeping with him yet, don't go back to his or bring him to yours. If a guy really likes you and wants to be with you, he'll want to hold off sex anyway so he can actually establish an emotional connection first. There's nothing wrong with being upfront; if he invites you to his place or asks to come to yours and you're not ready for sex, just say no. We've probably all been naive and drunk and gone back with a guy not really wanting sex, and managed to leave in one piece. (Back to my earlier point; most men aren't rapists and might be a bit irritated but aren't gonna lose sleep over it). In future, don't do it. 'Come back to mine' means sex; simple.

I think women need to be a bit smarter about the signs they give off. Being flirty isn't a crime, and just because a woman is flirting with a guy, doesn't mean she's looking for a shag. But men aren't mind readers, and it helps to establish boundaries so no one gets confused. Like with this case of Aziz Ansari; he couldn't exactly tell she was unhappy. Yes, he was being oblivious and a bit insensitive, but what should have happened is the woman should have just left or not gone back with him if she wasn't ready to do anything sexual yet. There was no need for this to turn into a big thing, because now it's going to make a lot of guys worried about how they behave. 

I would NEVER falsely accuse a guy of rape or assault. Even in my post 'How do you define sexual assault', it's asking the question. I don't think 'assault' or not matters in that case; fact is it was a horrible experience that made me feel uncomfortable. However, I've moved on from it now and regained lots of sexual confidence, and feel no need to make it into a big thing by getting the courts involved when what happened wasn't technically a crime. I don't even speak to the person anymore.

I think Catherine Deneuve best summed it up:

“Rape is a crime, but trying to seduce someone, even persistently or cack-handedly, is not – nor is men being gentlemanly a macho attack...Men have been punished summarily, forced out of their jobs when all they did was touch someone’s knee or try to steal a kiss.”


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I'm Zarina Macha, an author, blogger, and musician from London. I write about stuff on the internet 'cos having opinions is fun -- if you want to join the games, please note your thoughts below. All thoughts welcome, even if they're mean (just no spam links please -- can't tell you what a liability those are to remove).
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