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Tuesday, 27 February 2018


In the opening chapter of Grace Jones' autobiography, she states 'I love secrets.' I am the opposite. I can't stand keeping things to myself, and I'm not very good at it. Life is lonely enough as it is without holding things in. I'm the kind of person whereby everything is opened up on a plate; nothing to hide.

I wouldn't say that's a good or bad way to be, it's just the way I am. I don't like secrets. I'm a terrible liar; all the lies I've told or stuff I've tried to keep to myself has ended up coming out somehow, even if it's just to my therapist. I hate it when people lie or hide stuff. Obviously it's different if you're planning a surprise for someone or you don't like someone's hair cut but don't want to hurt their feelings. I also get that there are some details you do need to keep to yourselves. I just feel that if I'm generally open about stuff then no one can use anything against me because there's no shame. I can just shrug and say 'yeah, go ahead.' I'm really not ashamed of anything about myself that I've done.

There's a saying in AA; 'you're only as sick as you're secrets.' Secrets do make me sick, in a way; they can plague me or drag me down or gnaw away at me. I know many would not be open about being in Alcoholics Anonymous, and of course I would never expose membership or specific details of stuff I hear there (not that I'd remember it; there's too much). But I have no qualms about saying I'm in AA; in fact I think it's easier, as if I'm with people and say I don't drink, no one is going to coax me to drink if I say I'm in AA; quite the contrary. If I say 'I have a drinking problem' no one is going to try and push me to have a beer. It's armour, I guess.

There really isn't anything about me that I haven't told someone about. I just can't hold things in; they end up coming out sideways otherwise. The most secretive (and sort of gross) thing I can think of off the top of my head is I piss in the shower; I know, it's nasty, but it feels good and something about the water makes it come out and I clean up after. There, there's one of my not-so-secret secrets. It's also no secret that pretty much every single person I've ever met and become acquainted with in some way has pissed me off or made me uncomfortable at some point, even if it's someone I love dearly. People just tend to get on my nerves, but that's the downside of being super sensitive.

I admit I'm a sort of naive person; it's why since I was a kid people have always been able to walk all over me or take advantage of me. I don't mean to be, I just try to see the good in everyone and be nice to everyone, and sort of assume that everyone else is like that when the reality is many aren't. Psychopaths are extremely secretive (not saying that being secretive makes you a psychopath), and I'm the other end of the spectrum; sweet, sensitive, vulnerable and open. Being secretive has never worked in my favour anyway.

I'm sorry to say this but I have struggled to keep things others have told me to myself as well; not that I've told the whole world, but sometimes I've had to tell a therapist/counsellor. I'm very impulsive, and can speak without thinking, pouring out words without stopping to ponder what I've said. I know, that's sometimes a dangerous way to be, but the weird thing is is that I guess I don't really mind. I guess the only thing is I need to learn to be more careful when handling the information of others. I would prefer for people not to tell me super private things that I may find it hard to forget about or shake off. Of course I try not to spill the beans on everything, and do want to protect the confidence of others, but in general I'm not a discreet person.

However, the biggest irony of this of course, is that because I'm open by nature, if I really had to protect certain information, no one would suspect a thing from me. This is why in the past when I have kept stuff to myself that I've revealed later on, people have been shocked because I'm the last person they would expect to do 'such a thing.'

Are you good at keeping secrets? Do you keep things to yourself or prefer to be as open as possible? Are there things about you that you feel you will take to the grave? Let me know! (But of course don't spill the secret details!)

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