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Sunday, 11 March 2018

Sexuality: a few things I've learned

When it comes to sexuality, certain societal beliefs are held about the way men and women are when it comes to sex and relationships. I am just one person, and I'm not a 'conventional' person anyway; I'm a freaky weirdo who barely relates to the majority of the human population. But through my not-that-long-life-lived of experiences coming from an odd and troubled girl who isn't yet 21, here are a few 'thoughts' (and probably summarizing some of my other posts).

Boys are not only interested in sex. Boys, guys, men - people with dicks. Guys are not emotionless rocks that view those they're attracted to as sexual objects. Yes, men have higher sex drives than women because of testosterone. That is a biological fact. But men do not only think about sex. Believe it or not, guys have feelings and generally want to be in a relationship with a nice girl/guy too. Doesn't matter how old they are. Why would men marry women and settle down with them and date them and do nice things for them if their only motivation was sex? Yes, sex is great and is a great part of being in a relationship, but a lot of guys do also want someone they can talk to, have fun with, and open up to. Particularly so as guys aren't as 'open' with each other as girls are, so having a girlfriend to talk to about personal/emotional stuff can seem easier than opening up to guy friends.

Girls can get friendzoned. Yes. We. Can. You can be gorgeous and fun and cool and have a bunch of guys on Tinder and OkCupid like your profile (I never pretended I wasn't vain). Being 'friendzoned' isn't a gender thing, and I think this comes back to thinking guys see all girls in a certain way. It is very possible for a guy to just not be attracted to a girl, or to only see her as a friend, just as it's possible for girls to feel the same. Also, it probably isn't 'your fault.' This is something I've come to learn as an uber-sensitive person who takes things super seriously. When a guy only sees you as a friend, or likewise a girl only sees you as a friend, it isn't because you're ugly or weird or annoying - after all, they like you enough as a friend. Attraction is random and based on chemicals, and thinking about how many billions of people there are in the world, the likelihood of two people being mutually attracted to one another is actually tough.

First time sex is not all that. I think this is a big one for me. For years I thought the first time I had sex would change me and be some big empowering feeling. The truth is, first time sex is probably one of the least great times you have sex, simply because you're inexperienced and likely not relaxed and don't know what you're doing, and also if you're a girl it tends to hurt. I've found that sex improves greatly with time, experience and practice. If you have a shitty first time or do it with someone who doesn't really care about you, don't worry. I believe that it's not the first person who matters, it's the 'last', i.e. the person you end up marrying/staying with for a long time. I guess in a way all the other people are stepping stones/practice towards that one person you'll hopefully be with for most of your life.

Girls can have sex without feelings. I've had feelings for two of the guys I've ever slept with, and that's because they were both boyfriends. Sex is a physical activity at the end of the day, and to have sex with someone all you need is mutual physical attraction. I believe it's better when you're in a relationship and feelings are involved, but at the same time it can be great to just have someone there to satisfy your carnal needs and then allow you to go about your business. In a way, not having feelings for someone makes things a lot easier and less 'messy.'

Girls 'lose' nothing from sex. Virginity is a social construct; there's no actual physiological element to it - hymens do not 'break', they simply stretch, and they can be stretched using tampons or riding a bike or a horse. Having a lot of sex as a female is not a bad thing in the slightest, and if anyone ever tries to make you feel bad for it don't take it on. As long as you use some form of birth control, including condoms, you'll be fine. It's very ironic that the only guy I've ever had make me feel upset or uncomfortable during sex is the one I 'lost' my virginity too. I've slept with total strangers who have been understanding and respectful and not pushed me into things I'm uncomfortable with. What does that say about how we view sex and people?

There's nothing wrong with you. Why am I not in a relationship? Why am I almost 21 years old and my longest relationship lasted 3 months? I don't think there is a reason. I think a lot of us wonder why we're single and why the people we like reject us or friendzone us or break up with us or why things don't work out. Sometimes, there isn't a concrete reason, it's just the way it is. I'm not a bad person. The guys I've fallen for deeply have tended to be nice, friendly, intelligent and fun to be around. In fact, I'm more likely to fall for super intelligent guys. I'm mentioning that because I've had people say that perhaps I have trouble finding guys on my intellectual wavelength and maturity level. Not the case at all, more to the problem is the guys I've fallen for have tended not to like me back or things haven't worked out. I don't like 'bad boys'; I went out with a bad boy and he was boring, and I didn't like him for that anyway, I liked him because I thought he was kind and smart and funny.

There's no magical formula for being in a relationship or getting someone to like you. We all know people who seem great yet they haven't found a long term mate. It doesn't matter if you're a guy or a girl. You should never change the way you are to try and get people to like you. If there is something about you you would like to change, do it for yourself because it will better you as a person. If you live your life according to what you think others want, you'll never be happy. 

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