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Sunday, 30 September 2018

The Lewd Woman

I'm not special. None of us in this world are. No matter how odd, different or fantastically unique you think you are, there will always be someone similar to you. Human experiences are unique to us, but they all have commonalities.

Having said that, when people mention 'exceptions to the rule', they mean someone who goes against what is typical of a certain demographic. It's not common for girls to think about sex the way I do. Some of my female friends seem puzzled when I tell them I don't associate sex with feelings. They ask if I have ever had feelings for a guy I've slept with (and am not in a relationship with) or if I'm hoping for things to turn out that way. The female brain is different from the male brain. In simplest terms; the female brain mixes everything together whereas the male brain compartmentalises things. Men can (typically) distinguish sex from love more easily than women. Post on this here:

I'm against terms like fuckboy, slut, whore, player etc because I think they're immature and petty and don't see the logic in attaching morals to people's sexual behaviours (unless they're rapists or serial cheaters). In the literal sense of the word I guess I AM kind of a slut, but so what? Does anyone care? I'm not an idiot; I know guys prefer relationships with girls that haven't had a great deal of sexual partners. I honestly don't know why it matters; it seems illogical to me. (Historically this was to ensure that if a woman had a child that the child was her partner's, but nowadays we have contraception and paternity testing).

Fortunately there is an overpopulated amount of people in the world; if I ever get married I have to hope the guy I'm with won't be super bothered about my past sexual history and will like me for who I am (and I'd rather be alone than be with someone who was so bothered about my past or couldn't accept me the way I am).

I have sex for one reason only; not to be 'empowered', not to make guys like me, not to prove I'm desirable or some other strange agenda. I have sex because I fucking love sex. (And just because I like sex, doesn't mean I'll shag any guy that goes, even if I think he's cute). It feels good man! But even before I was sexually active I didn't get 'emotionally attached' to guys I got off with in clubs/parties. Flings can be fun. I like male attention. I'm a pretty straightforward person in that regard. If I haven't had a chance to become emotionally invested in a person then there's nothing there for me to get attached to.

Every guy I've had sex with (with the exception of my first) has been friendly and decent towards me. They've never mistreated or made me feel 'used' me in any way. Maybe I'm lucky, or maybe guys just aren't cold unfeeling monsters who have no empathy. The stereotypical situation of a guy having a one night stand with a girl and then running off without saying goodbye has never happened to me (so far). Could be because I'm honest and people tend to respect integrity. But even if you're just sleeping with someone, there's an element of 'this is a human and I'm not going to treat this human like crap' unless you're a psychopath. Being polite doesn't cost anything.

If I really like a guy, there's no way I'd have sex with him or make out with him straight away. I want to get to know him first and vice versa. This explains why I've fallen for male friends in the past (sadly it's usually non-reciprocated). The biggest irony of this all is that I've always wanted to be in a loving long-term relationship with a man. Flings, casual sex and short term relationships are fun but they're not meaningful. They get boring and predictable after a while because there's no depth; nothing to work for. (See my post: Boredom vs Suffering).

Unfortunately, so far I haven't had much luck with relationships (although I am only twenty-one; plenty of time). I'd love to be in a LTR with an amazing guy. I'm not perfect but I think I can be a decent girlfriend. The trouble is, while I have plenty of good qualities - kind, loving, intelligent, easy-going, fun - that isn't enough for a relationship. I'm self-centred. I care too much about myself and my music and my writing to know how I could possibly give my all to a man. I want the nice easy parts of a relationship without the stress and drama and having to work through incompatibilities. Everyone I know who is in or has been in a LTR has ended up having problems and dealing with crap that you need not deal with if you're single and happily getting laid without commitment.

I'm not 'proud' of being a 'lewd woman', nor am I un-proud of it. I don't attach moral value to it; I just am what I am. I have to be myself and I like myself the way I am. If there's anything you can take from this post: just facking be yourself mate. Life is short and we're all gonna die.

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