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Friday, 11 January 2019

Why I dislike my species

It's after four in the morning here on this wonderful island of Great Britannia. I'm three-quarters of the way through my next novel, a YA coming-of-age novel that will be my third published book (second fiction book). Simultaneously I've been applying for jobs in retail so I can fund the cost of editing when my book is ready to go through that stage. Here's why I don't like humans.

We've destroyed everything and everyone. When I read 'Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind' (one of the best works of non-fiction ever) it stated that there were six-to-eight different species of humans at one point, including the homo erectus and neanderthals. Now there's only one - the fuckwits breeding everywhere you see, from Starbucks to Twitter. Homo bloody sapiens. What happened to the others? Well, we may have killed them, or they all got destroyed because their genetic info wasn't fit enough to survive. (Darwin would have been displeased).

But as well as killing off other versions of ourselves, we've contributed to the extinctions of a great deal of life that once roamed this bucolic ball of green and blue. Such life is actually keeping us alive, such as bees, but we're so ungrateful that we swat or scream whenever we see a honey-suckler.

We're oh, so, so, selfish. How many of us think that what we think is the ultimate mark of divinity? Even Nietzsche's wise sentiment of 'you have your way, I have my way, as for the right way, it don't exist baby' is in itself a type of thinking. Nihilism - the belief that there is no intrinsic meaning to anything and that meaning is only relevant within its subjective bearer (as opposed to possessing objective value) - is still a way of seeing the world. Seeing the world as being subjectively open to interpretation is a subjective interpretation of the world. You mind fucked yet? (If you are, you're probably too stupid to be reading my blog, but I love you for trying your best pumpkin xxx)

Humans think the world revolves around us. Vegans vs meat-eaters, left-wingers vs right-wingers, atheists vs theists, cat lovers vs dog lovers - we all think that what we think is the way to be. What is that the result of? This lovely monster we discuss in AA (which also stirs up a million debates among people) known as ego. My-dick-is-bigger-than-your-dick, although if the girl is tight then bigger isn't always better. (Guys are so dumb - when will they learn that the tongue causes more ecstatic screams than the penis? Never, according to freud-hating-feminists).

We're stupid. I mean, we're supposed to be the smartest species in the world, yet we spend most of our time fighting one another over land and concrete, and working our arses (or asses, my transatlantic cousins who don't know I exist because they don't think black people live in the UK would say) off for a number to show up on our bank account that we will then take to a box made out of ticky-tack to exchange for a piece of paper or copper. And we don't care. Sure, we say we care, and we make signs and go out and protest, and things do change from time to time, but we still manage to find ourselves consumed with otherwise insipid nonsense.

Example? How many people out there are spending their days doing things they don't like or want to do just to get by? We become consumed by jobs that give us no joy or meaning so we can go home to our boxes made out of ticky-tack and go and do the things we actually want to do on the weekend, like have a threesome with Russian hookers or write poems or meditate in Hyde Park. And we just accept this crap because there are so many of us on the planet.

I mean, shit; I don't want to go find a job in retail. But sadly I'm an artist and my art isn't currently funding me, so I have to find something I don't care about to fund me while I do the thing I want to actually fund me. And I know what you'll say; that's life, and applies to eighty per-cent of the human population. But why does it have to be like this? We've got a bunch of people deciding what the rest of us do, and is it really making us happy?

We treat each other like shit. Yes, we're all nice and civilized now. We've got our boxes and our libertarian free-thought and we have to pretend to be polite to one another and respect their beliefs and melanin and who they do or don't want to have sex with. But how long ago was it that things were different? Not that long ago, my dear. Humans have destroyed this planet's natural resources and a great deal of life on this planet, but more than anything we've destroyed one another. We are probably the only animal that are cruel for the sake of cruelty or kill for the sake of murder.

I find cruelty difficult. No matter how hard I try I just can't be mean for the sake of mean. I can be sarcastic, sure, and a bit crude and insensitive, but on the whole if I say one tiny upsetting thing to a person even in my worst mood, I'll turn around and be on their knees eating them out till rockets of apologies fall from their mouths.

It's tough when you're nice. Nice people always end up getting exploited or used by other not-so-nice people - or even other nice people who are just less naive and trusting. The world is not kind, and it probably won't change until the robots come and murder all of us.

So what do we do? Commit suicide? I'd be lying if I said the thought hadn't crossed my mind - you don't take antidepressants for two and a half years because your brain is a yellow sponge singing 'I'm ready.' Suicide is something that ticks away in the back of my brain and then shows up a couple times a year or so - like Pennywise the Clown, only it's more twenty-seven weeks than twenty-seven years (Interesting for Stephen King to make 'twenty-seven years' his cycle of It's destruction when that's the age a lot of famous musicians have died).

Yeah, from time to time I get so fed up with trying to deal with life and people that I get tempted to just find a way to make myself disappear. Sometimes it's a passing thought, other times it's a passing action. That action hasn't been fateful yet because I'm still here, unless it's my ghost typing away at four in the morning (it was half three when I started and will be half four when I post).

But why am I here? Why don't I just throw in the towel and say fuck it, life is too hard, people annoy and disappoint me, I can't trust anyone, everything I fuck turns to shit? I think because deep down, humans are survivors. Ok, it's not deep, it's evolution. Humans are made to survive. I don't know why, but we are. We are made to survive, form tribes, and pro-create. There are people - not many, but they exist - that I deeply love and care for in this world. There are things that I enjoy and dreams I wish to pursue. And maybe I'm intrigued. If ten or fifteen years from now I still feel like crap then sure, maybe I'll hire someone to 'accidentally' kill me. But just for today I'm sticking around; a tiny piece that makes up this enormous universe.

Because like it or not, every tiny part matters. A single grain of rice seems hopeless on its own, but together with many others it becomes the basis for a meal.


I'm Zarina Macha, an author, blogger, and musician from London. I write about stuff on the internet 'cos having opinions is fun -- if you want to join the games, please note your thoughts below. All thoughts welcome, even if they're mean (just no spam links please -- can't tell you what a liability those are to remove).
I've also published three YA fiction books and two poetry volumes. To check em out, copy and paste this link into your browser: