Search this blog

Saturday, 23 February 2019

Finding my 'god'


God. Atheist. Agnostic. Higher Power. Believer. Creator. Spiritual. These are all words. As a writer I know the power that words can weave, but I also know that power comes from our interpretation. Without meaning, words are a strew of vowels and consonants.

I stopped believing in a god aged fifteen/sixteen, and ironically have become more spiritual and soul-searching since. My conception of 'God' was a standard theological creator; this personified being in the sky cared so deeply for me and every good or bad thing that happened to me was attributed to it. I wasn't raised religious so I'm not sure where this super strong belief came from; I've always been a curious person with strong opinions and god and prayer was part of our household without being tied to a religion.

My belief in my personal God was very strong and self-centered; my hatred for religion and disbelief in God that followed was also strong and self-centered. (I'm not the type of person to do things by halves, as you may notice from the quantity of my blog posts). What I've noticed with both extremes is that it was never about believing or not believing in a god. When I was fourteen I joined the local church and a church youth group (for a few months). Later, deep into my anti-theist phase, I joined atheist meet up groups and followed atheist YouTubers.

I wanted to belong. All I wanted (and still want) was to feel part of something greater than me. I loved identifying with this rich rebellious atheist community online and offline. Bashing religion on Twitter was fun. Many teenagers go through a liberal-marxist phase of calling themselves a feminist/socialist/religion-hater.

I don't believe in a personified theological creator. I don't believe that me finding a ten pound note on the floor is because my God put it there for me, nor do I think me getting ill is part of God's plan. I don't think I'm so special that a supreme being is directly interfering with every facet of my life. Not that there's anything objectively wrong with doing so, it just isn't for me. Humans only make up a tiny part of this enormous universe.

I do and always have believed in a greater universal energy. Even when I strongly called myself an atheist I still meditated and allowed myself to feel connected to something beyond me, even though I couldn't explain it. Lots of atheists look down on spirituality in the same way religious people look down on the non-religious. This all comes back to us needing to accept each other the way we are and recognize that our points of views are our own and none of us are right or wrong.

I would have achieved non of this without my recovery program. Being in recovery has made me  look at myself in ways I haven't wanted to in the past, including spiritually. I do believe that spiritual contentment is one of the most important facets of being human. It doesn't have to be mystical and ethereal. A person who loves their job and family and feels satisfied in themselves is spiritually content to me. People can be religious without being spiritual. Loads of people may go to a place of worship and pray to their God yet be cruel or callous beings. I wasn't that spiritual when I was thirteen, despite the fact that I prayed frequently that my God would increase my bra size.

So finding my conception of a greater power is something I am still getting used to. It's challenging because it can feel quite scary and surreal, but tapping into it is one of the most wonderful things ever. Buddhists call it Oneness, or the nature of everything being at one with itself. Something I have been saying to myself a lot lately is life is a circle. It goes around with no beginning nor end.


We are the universe experiencing itself. We are all energy and all made of the same stuff as stars. We all emit vibrations and our thoughts lead to actions. Thinking that you are useless and a failure is probably not going to get you to write that novel or start that business. (Bloody hell, motivational quote alert). We all bounce off one another and we are all connected. That I deeply believe in. My concept of 'god' (with a small 'g') is spiritual oneness and everything being connected. It has always been there, but the depressive parts of my personality can blank me out of my ability to stay connected and present. The more I continue to go along in recovery and in life, the more I hope to be able to tap into it frequently so the time comes when I am able to find my inner peace. And why must I label myself as anything? My music and creative writing defines me, not my beliefs - they're a part of me but they're not what I want to identify myself through.


After all, I think god, love, greater energy or oneness are really all the same concept - there's a 'thing' that exists outside of us, and some people interpret that as a personified being, and other interpret that as abstract energy or vibrations or sensations. Whatever we interpret it as, I think that it's all beautiful.

Related posts:

https://www.thezarinamachablog.co.uk/2019/02/on-belief.html

https://www.thezarinamachablog.co.uk/2017/04/science-religion-spirituality.html

4 comments:

  1. Hypocritical much?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why hypocritical? Changing and evolving your points of view while acknowledging where you may have been wrong in the past isn't hypocrisy, it's evolution and growth imo.

      Delete
  2. Interresting point of view.
    Personally I don't believe in any spirituality, I think 90% of all that stuff is psychological.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for commenting man! Yeah I mean it is psychological in that it's about how we relate to things in our mind, and how we choose to mentally tap into our sense of inner being. It has been proven scientifically that meditation is good for the mind and the body, and that it helps to keep people calm and healthy.
      https://www.self.com/story/mindfulness-meditation-health-benefits

      Delete

If you enjoy my posts check out my novel Every Last Psycho. Available to purchase on Amazon: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07F44CMNJ