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Two men, both alike in romantic idealism, in classic and contemporary literature, where sexual scenes are laid. Their names: Mr Rochester and Christian Grey. These male protagonists in literature are often cited as purveyors of romantic desire among women.
Cullen vs Rochester
So I’ve read Jane Eyre, and I haven’t read Fifty Shades of Rubbish but I have read Twilight, its tweenage predecessor. When I read the scenes involving Mr Rochester, all I could think was ‘this dude is vile.’ I don’t know how Mr Rochester is a romantic icon. He is appalling, crude, manipulative, racist, arrogant and just an all-round pain in the arse.
I remember not understanding why smart down-to-earth Jane ended up with that guy. He locked his wife in an attic and played deliberate mind games with Jane through pitting her against Blanche and pretending to be a gypsy. (Creepy fucker.)
Edward Cullen is manipulative, possessive, stalks Bella, isolates her from her family and threatens to kill himself when she leaves him. Christian Grey pushes Anna sexually into things she isn’t ready for and seeks to control her through a restrictive contract. I find these men gross and creepy, simply because to me, their behaviours scream sociopathic control freak. And yet, they are the fictional pinnacle of female heterosexual desire.
Toxic Masculinity and Female Fantasy
Why is that? Charlotte Bronte, EL James and Stephanie Meyer are all women, who were writing for women. The ‘patriarchy’ can’t be blamed here; these women were writing female sexual fantasies. I have no problem with what crap people like to enjoy in their rooms; that’s their business.
But I find it interesting that (some) feminists complain about toxic masculinity, yet these male idealized protagonists are the embodiment of toxic masculine behaviours. They are controlling and possessive, restrictive, arrogant, and seek to make themselves the centre of the woman’s life. The woman is left feeling that she needs a rich powerful man to come and look after her and that without him she is nothing.
Again, it’s not my place nor anyone’s place to say ‘you shouldn’t like this crap!’ I enjoy plenty of stuff others would call ‘crap’ or ‘low-brow’. (Like The Big Bang Theory and Sex and the City.) That isn’t the point here. The point is:
Why are feminists criticising traits which women find biologically desirable in men?
Power, strength, protectiveness and assertion are traits that women find attractive because they emulate a feeling of security.
Mother Nature Rules All
I’m not saying this is right or wrong, I’m not saying all women find this attractive and I’m not saying whether I personally find this attractive or not. I find it naive to deny any biological weighting behind gender differences. Animals evolved to have one male and one female. One person protects and raises the offspring, and the other protects the family from potential predators who may hurt their offspring.
Why does this simply evolutionary fact piss people off so much? We’ve evolved to a point where there are many nuances in how men and women behave anyway. We’re no longer living in a world where men ‘have’ to be a certain way or women ‘have’ to be a certain way. But we’re also denying our wired biological differences by assuming that gender is ‘all a social construct.’
It’s damaging because it affects relationships and dynamics between men and women, which is at the crux of our humanity. (And we’re seeing it in the rise of single-parent homes and increases in divorce). Men and women should compliment one another and work together in a tandem, not tear one another apart.
Toxic Repression
So back to ‘toxic masculinity.’ Behaviours associated with toxic masculinity include men’s dominance and assertion, as well as being told to ‘man up’ and not show emotional vulnerability. From a psychological perspective emotional repression is deeply unhealthy for anyone, and I think it’s wonderful that men are finally being told on a socio-cultural level that it’s healthy and fine to express emotional vulnerability.
Shepherd Bliss, the academic who first coined the term, sought to improve man-on-man relations and to encourage better father-son behaviour in a time of rising gender differences.
But here’s an uncomfortable truth: women aren’t attracted to weak men. Women find strength and power attractive. Do all women? Of course not. Some are indifferent and find other things like intellect, wit and kindness to be more important. But why are romantic male protagonists often brooding, mysterious, domineering and wealthy? Why is James Bond an idealized female fantasy? Why do tall guys on Tinder often assert their height?
Because women are biologically inclined to find this attractive, just as men are biologically inclined to be more sexually visually stimulated.
The Good Men Stop The Bad Men
In today’s world, physical strength is no longer a biological necessity. But what can be valued in both men and women is inner strength. Inner strength, or ‘positive’ masculinity (in this context), can be a man working to provide for his family; a man giving his girlfriend his jacket because she’s cold, a man patiently waiting until the girl is ready to have sex with him (as opposed to pressuring her), a man listening to his friend who is in trouble, a man holding your bags and walking you home; your father giving you calm advice when you tell him you don’t know what to do with your life.
We need to stop putting men down. We also need to remember that there are good people and bad people of both genders. There are positive and negative behaviours associated with both femininity and masculinity. The world is a better place when people take a gentler attitude to one another.
(And my personal male fictional crushes are Tyrion Lannister and Jon Snow, both of whom exhibit ‘positive masculinity’ and inner strength as opposed to domineering possessiveness. Tyrion isn’t physically strong, but he’s mentally and emotionally strong. In the game of thrones and the game of life, maybe that’s more important.)
“There are positive and negative behaviours associated with both femininity and masculity”. True.
“Power, strength, protectiveness and assertion are traits that women find attractive because they emulate a feeling of security.” I don’t see protectiveness in Christian Grey. Protectiveness is a great thing but why somehow attribute it to men who are not above abuse their own women? It destroys the meaning of such beautiful word. Of course protectiveness has something to do with not being complete pacifist. But you can not be complete pacifist and be kinder to your women as Christian.
Also it’s important to point out that not every toxic man is traditionally masculine. Men with traditionally feminine personalities can be toxic just like woman with traditionally masculines one too. There are pretty elf-like guys in fiction who are toxic without being masculine( neither physically or personality-wise) in fiction and it’s not uncommon for them to have female fans and defenders.
When I wrote the line ‘power, strength, protectiveness’ etc I was simply describing traits that women typically find attractive. I completely agree though that being ‘protective’ in a positive way doesn’t really apply to Christian Grey.
I remember there were times in Twilight when Edward would randomly show up to ‘rescue’ Bella out of trouble. One may see that as protectiveness but in reality there was a form of control and possession there because he was following her around and tracking where she was going as well as coming into her room to watch her sleep etc.
‘Not every toxic man is traditionally masculine’ — oh I 100% agree. I was specifically referring to how toxic men in these romance stories (e.g. Cullen, Grey, Rochester) tend to exhibit traits that some feminists may chastise as ‘hyper-masculine’ yet these traits are viewed as desirable by women. Another example is ‘alpha males’ in romance who display ‘hyper-masculine’ qualities, yet again these books are being eaten up by the women who clearly love to read about these types of men, despite their behaviour being in line with ‘toxic masculinity.’
There are definitely both toxic elements of both femininity and masculinity. For example, psychological manipulation is a much more toxically feminine trait as it is associated with being more calculated and less ‘in your face’ than physically abusing someone (which is a more typically masculine behaviour). This also relates to how in schools, young girls tend to use relational or indirect bullying such as spreading secrets behind other girls’ back or excluding other girls from games.